Dreaming

Do you make New Year's Resolutions? Do you keep your resolutions?

“And now we welcome the new year, full of things that have never been” —Rainer Maria Rilke

I used to make resolutions. Resolutions focused on shoring up my shortcomings. Often resolutions involving my thighs. I'd try putting those lovely jiggly girls in pants that bind and accuse myself of all kinds of bad, reprehensible, despicable and worse--irredeemable-- character flaws.

Funny thing is all those bad thoughts about myself never led to significant changes in behavior. I didn't exercise more, or eat less or become a more selfless person by thinking bad thoughts about myself.

So I ditched annual resolutions and came up with annual themes like peace, or health or joy. This worked slightly better. 

 Some years I could remember into the second week of January that I wanted to focus on health as I hit the snooze button on the alarm meant to wake me for my new fitness routine.

This process of thinking deeply about my life and trying to improve it was an effort to create a happier version of myself. But my methods weren't working. Instead of making me feel happier, more confident and capable, I felt like a failure, powerless to change myself or my situation.

I gave up.

"Drink from the well of yourself and begin again” — Charles Bukowski

I quit making resolutions, or themes of the year. New Year's day became a day to do nothing, to not think or ponder. Instead I let the mind wander, giving myself a holiday from doing.

An amazing thing happened. I started dreaming. Not that I called it "dreaming". At first it looked like I'd let the gerbils out for a little romp in the snow. My mind flitted from how the Barbie Doll body would require learning to resist the James Bond types to wondering how i'd remodel the house if I won the lottery.  world peace, making the neighborhood better or even quieting my own noisy little heart didn't come up.

I wasn't checking email, or watching TV or talking on the phone. I wasn't reading a book, or writing next week's to-do list, or cleaning the house. New Year's day became a do-nothing day. I slept late. I sat in my kitchen drinking coffee and looking off into space. 

 After a nap, I built a fire and stared into the dancing flames.

At the end of the day I felt competent, rested, clear headed. The day spent dreaming resulted in some new ideas that excited. Extending kindness, grace, time and space to myself did more than any aggressive plan to change, improve, set goals. Loving ourselves, it turns out, is never a bad plan for the new year.

The world can be a hard, harsh place.  We all need to take care of our health by eating right and exercising.  But it doesn't motivate or help us to do these things consistently by first beating ourselves up.  Maybe your thighs slide into corduroy pants without threatening to start a forest fire; good for you!  Maybe your issues are around money or love or your well-being or a gnawing anxiety that a little tipple of the wine bottle helps calms.

Whatever your issues are, hardly worth mentioning, I know, except that they are driving you to distraction; I'd urge you to spend today letting your mind drift. Stare out the window, stare into a fire, watch the steam rise from a cup of tea, think about nothing in particular. It'll do wonders for you.

Wishing you love, peace, happiness and a little dreaming time this New Year's Day.